Limbo

So . . . my written exams are over and since yesterday, when I met with my adviser and got some feedback, I've been starting to see my way out of limbo, though I still have orals to do next week. The short version is, I passed. My committee didn't like everything I did (some of it they thought was pretty bad), and what they liked most was not what I would have expected (which suggests that I should always write in a state of utter depletion at four in the morning . . . ), but it's pretty clear that the only one who is seeing this process as a referendum on my basic worthiness as a thinker, writer, and person, is me. So I should stop.

The really great thing about my meeting with my adviser is that he liked my proposed dissertation topic. So that means . . . I have a dissertation topic! It was so easy, and was really an incredible, existential transformation. One minute, I was a grad student with some vague interests, which is what I've been for so long I can hardly remember being anything else. Ten minutes later, I became a person with a project, a person who will be able to produce an answer when someone asks me what I write about. And I'm super excited about the topic. Our brainstorming session was really fun and my adviser had some good ideas about how I could structure the different chapters. It's exactly what I want to write, I think. (And yes, I will say what it is in some other post soon.)

So this means that if all goes well with the orals (which I am nervous about but my adviser referred to as "a doo-dad") I will be able to start shedding the "perpetual grad student" identity and be what I have always wanted to be: a writer writing a book.