Sunday, October 09, 2005

Do I want to go?

I know a lot of people who have never ended up going to graduate school because of the October second thoughts, because grad school often stops seeming like a good idea right when application season rolls around. I understand the OSTs to be a predictable pitfall, but I am having them anyway.

I love teaching and I want to teach college, but I know that a PhD doesn't guarantee anything in that regard. And it would mean uprooting again, starting over again, not only in a new place and with new people but also with a new set of things to worry about and try for, a new system to get sucked into and use to distract myself from actually getting anything done. It's taken so long to feel at home here, to not be spending all my energy acclimating. Is it worth it, is it a good idea, to do it all over again when there's not even exactly a goal in sight? Will I keep going to school forever? Will I get to some PhD program and not be able to get into the spirit of it because I've been in grad school already and will probably be old enough to be my classmates' grandmother?

Someone at Bread Loaf told me I shouldn't describe myself as a student any more, because it makes you sound unprofessional, and so I've been trying to do that: "I teach at UCI and edit Faultline" instead of "I'm in the MFA program." But I realized recently, it's true. I'm not really in school any more. I don't go to classes, I don't see professors, I go to my peers for advice on my work. It's sort of a scam that I still get health insurance and to live in student housing. But the relative freedom of this year makes me doubt more strongly whether I want to be back in the hardcore school environment, especially studying something incredibly difficult that's not in all respects my cup of tea.

So does anyone have any advice?

3 comments:

Zanni said...

Well, Cohen. I think this topic deserves a beer or two or three at the Steelhead. You, me, ideas and worries about PhD's? Perhaps tonight? Love, Schauff

Megan Savage said...

Hey, want to talk about it in person with me too in 2 weeks? hhh (impromptu rendition of Darlin' last night, ha!)

Keep Your Fork, There's Pie said...

What else do you want to do? What sounds better? Or at least feasible and different?